


and i cannot say a word to you like this

by meltedicecream



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Blood and Injury, Borderline Personality Disorder, Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Love Confessions, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Oikawa Has BPD, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, triggering content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:15:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27579691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meltedicecream/pseuds/meltedicecream
Summary: Oikawa reaches the end of himself, and Iwaizumi is there to pull him from the edge.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 3
Kudos: 118





	and i cannot say a word to you like this

Oikawa Tooru always seemed upbeat, confident, and absolutely full of himself. That was something that never seemed to change, and while it irritated most, some people in his life found it endearing, because maybe it brought the volleyball team together, or maybe it gave everyone something to laugh and tease about.

But Oikawa struggled. For as long as he could remember, he struggled- in keeping relationships, in managing his moods, in watching how much he overworked himself. His self image, too, was a big, dark, daunting area in the depths of his brain. 

In recent days, it all felt like too much. He woke up everyday with an empty feeling in his chest. He didn’t want to smile, he felt hatred for everyone in his life that he cared for the most, and it pained him almost physically to mask it all. But he had to mask it. If he didn’t he would lose everything. And he would especially lose Iwaizumi, something which he was surprised hadn’t happened yet, but was sure he couldn’t handle if it did.

But right now, he couldn’t find the point in all of it. He sat, tears rolling down his cheeks, pain in his chest, and blood seeping out of his thighs by his own hand. He couldn’t see the end of it. He was at the edge of himself and he couldn’t find the reason. He was always going to feel inferior, everyone was always going to find him annoying, and he would never be able to have real relationships with people. He was an idiot for thinking he could date Iwa, too. That was all he’d hoped for these last couple years, but there was no way he could be genuine. It’d be that constant pain of masking himself- not being sure of who he really was. Who was he, aside from all this? A self absorbed prick? A volleyball player who’s a little above average? He wanted to be more so desperately. He wanted to be the best at something, he wanted to be remembered for it.

_It won’t happen._

_What’s the point?_

“Shut the fuck up, shut up…” He sobbed, hitting his head with closed fists and tugging on his hair. He felt lightheaded, and he couldn’t be sure if it was crying or blood loss. He stumbled to his feet, “I can’t… I can’t.” He whispered, dark red slowly beginning to streak past the legs of his shorts. No one was home. A lot of thoughts floated through his head as he walked to the laundry room and pulled the jug of bleach off the shelf. Things like, ‘will it hurt?’ or ‘who will find me?’. Both thoughts jarred him, but his expression stayed steady, almost at peace as he unscrewed the cap, bringing it to his lips. He wondered how it would taste.

“Shittykawa?” He heard a voice call out as the front door opened, “Your sister told me it’d be unlocked and I was passing by. Hey, where the hell are you?”

Oikawa couldn’t move. He was frozen, and the first bit of bleach had touched his tongue. It burned, and he heard Iwaizumi’s footsteps reach the open laundry room door. 

“ _What the fuck are you doing?_ ” Iwa shouted, and Oikawa panicked, tipping the jug further back, but Iwaizumi forced him forward, knocking it out of his grasp and making him cough it up. It stung, it burned, and why did Iwaizumi have to come here? “Oikawa, hey..! Hey, you’re- you’re bleeding..? And why the fuck would you do that?” He sounded close to tears, something Oikawa rarely heard, and the setter couldn’t help but feel guilt weigh in his chest, especially when Iwaizumi lifted the legs of his shorts to check his injuries. They were deeper than normal and he knew it. “I thought it was better! I thought you were doing better!” He shouted, and all Oikawa could do was sob, his throat hoarse and his mouth burning. Nausea was creeping up his throat and he couldn’t really see.

“Iwa… Don’t tell anyone, please don’t tell anyone.” He begged between cries, his hands shaking as he gripped onto Iwaizumi’s arms, trying to hold himself steady. “I-I don’t wanna go back, I’ll miss so much practice and everyone will talk about me agai—“ He was cut off by the bile that rose up his throat, and he bent over as he vomited at Iwa’s feet, clutching his stomach and sobbing at the unbearable pain in his mouth and throat. He felt everything go black for a moment, and the next thing he remembered was being in the bathroom. Maybe it’d been more than a moment…

“If you’re awake, drink that.” Iwa’s voice startled him from his slight daze. He sounded like he’d been crying for a while, and he was busying himself cleaning and bandaging Oikawa’s thighs. The setter looked to the bathroom counter to find a glass of milk sitting there. He looked back at Iwaizumi with a curious gaze. “It’ll.. dilute any of the bleach that got into your stomach, and soothe your mouth, and stuff.” He explained, and Oikawa figured he’d probably frantically researched while he was passed out. He took the glass and began to drink, cringing at the stinging sensation as it went down his throat. There was silence, after that. Iwaizumi had finished bandaging his cuts and was only sitting beside him wordlessly.

“I’m sorry.” Oikawa finally said, and it was quiet. Guilty.

“ _Don’t._ ” Iwa quickly cut in, “Don’t say that. I should be saying that. I didn’t.. I didn’t fucking realize. God, if I hadn’t come over here… Oikawa.” He sounded like he was choking on every word, and he buried his face in his hands, trying not to sob. Oikawa had never seen Iwaizumi like this, but he supposed the other hadn’t seen him like this either. “Don’t fucking leave. You can’t fucking leave me, you idiot.” He said, raising his voice, “I’d lose my goddamn mind.” He muttered in addition, looking at Oikawa with an expression that could only be described as pleading.

Oikawa was silent. It was beyond him that Iwaizumi even cared this much. He looked away, still drinking from his cup. “You say that, but… I’m gonna forget to be myself one day and then you and everyone are gonna leave.” He murmured, “I just want it to be over. I’m so tired all the time and I’m never good at anything, and I just…” He cut himself off, choking on the end of his sentence. He was startled when he felt Iwaizumi’s hands on the side of his face, forcing him to look at him. When he did, he saw tears streaming down Iwa’s face, the other’s brows knit tightly together.

“Forget to be yourself. Do it. I won’t give a shit. I give a shit that you’re here with me. I fucking care about you.” He told him, holding his face tightly, “I would deal with you being ten times more dramatic than usual every single day if it meant I wouldn’t lose you. And I have no fucking idea how you can say you’re not good at anything. You’re an amazing setter, an amazing captain, and you take everyone into consideration when you play. That’s unique, Tooru.” He continued, seeming to get closer to Oikawa’s face with every word.

“But I can’t have you, because I’m not good enough, and it hurts.” Oikawa blurted out, beginning to tear up. Iwaizumi became motionless, professing those words, and what exactly they meant, his heart rate increasing.

“You’re enough. You can have me, if you want that, anything to keep you here.”

Oikawa let out a sob, “You sound like you don’t want it! You’d only do it out of pity so I won’t kill myself-!” He was silenced by Iwaizumi pressing a kiss to his lips, still holding his face with the kind of rough affection he always portrayed.

“I do want it. I have for a while. Alright?” He informed, and Tooru just gave a simple nod before wrapping himself around Iwa, burying his face in his shoulder.

“Everything hurts.” He murmured, and Iwaizumi sighed.

“I know. I wanted to take you into the hospital, but you begged me before you passed out not to let you get taken to, like… inpatient.” He explained, and he understood why Oikawa didn’t want that, and while it was probably needed, the last time the other had come back from there, he’d ended up worse than when he’d gone in. The last thing Iwaizumi wanted was for the other to succeed in an attempt, and he felt as if that would happen if he let him go to the hospital. “So, we’ll just research about those internal burns, okay…? And fix them on our own.” He suggested, and Oikawa gave a tired nod.

“Can you stay with me..?” The setter whispered, “I don’t want to be alone.”

“Of course. I think you should nap.” He suggested, and received a nod in return. With that, he hoisted Oikawa into his arms, carrying the other to his bedroom and plopping him carefully onto the bed, climbing in with him.

“...I love you, Iwa-chan.” Oikawa hummed, cuddling up to Iwaizumi’s side. The other gave a small scoff, and didn’t reply for a moment.

“You too, Shittykawa.” He teased, watching as Tooru drifted off to sleep quite quickly. “...I’m gonna keep you safe… I promise.” He whispered once he knew the other was unconscious, petting his hair.


End file.
